After 23 years of marriage, and more than once on the brink of losing everything, my husband and I have learned some invaluable lessons that have changed our marriage and changed our lives.
We don’t have it all figured out. I don’t think we ever will.
We still struggle.
We still argue.
We still have really hard times.
But, we have learned to lean on these lessons in times of trial.
They have become foundations for our marriage. They are our inspiration, our teacher our guide.
I want to share those lessons with you in hopes that you will find your own insights and illuminations into creating the marriage you desire.
So today we start with Life-Changing Marriage Lesson #1 – What do we do about sexual desire differences in marriage?
If you prefer to listen rather than read, check out this episode of The Married And Naked Podcast where Joel and I have an intimate conversation about this topic.
Rather read? Continue on . . .
Today we are focusing on the important and life-changing practice of accepting each other’s sexual desire differences in marriage.
First, let’s talk about acceptance. It’s a word we all know, but let’s define its true meaning just so we are all on the same page.
I like this definition from the Oxford English Dictionary. It says acceptance is, “The process or fact of being received as adequate, valid, or suitable.”
Let’s think about that for a moment and let me just ask, is there anyone out there who doesn’t long to be received as valid, as suitable, and as adequate?
Of course not. We all do.
We all long to be accepted. It stems from our basic human need for love and belonging.
But, often what happens in a relationship is that we are so in love that we can easily overlook the “little” things we don’t like about them in the beginning.
And then, as time goes on, those differences we loved about them at the start of the relationship, begin to drive us crazy. We stop being willing to accept the things we don’t like and instead work to try to change them.
We believe our spouse needs to change and we put our energy toward trying to “fix” them.
I was super guilty of this. The things that I didn’t like about my husband, I began to put a lot of work into trying to change and fix.
As a result, my longing for him to change propelled us into conflict.
One area where this incredibly evident in my marriage was in the bedroom when it came to our differing levels of desire.
Our arguments over this particular issue have literally taken our marriage to the brink more than once.
It has nearly destroyed us.
Many sex therapists say that one of the most common reasons couples go to therapy is because of the problems that sexual desire differences in their marriage have caused.
It has certainly been the biggest source of stress in my own marriage.
We have different sexual desire levels. You and your spouse probably do too.
It is common that one partner desires more than the other. And oftentimes, these sexual desire differences in marriage can lead to chronic marital stress.
Many times, in this situation, the higher desire partner often feels rejected. And the lower desire partner feels like they are constantly fending off advances.
Both sides can wind up feeling bitter and angry. And the longer it persists the worse the problem gets.
Here is the secret my husband and I have found to alleviate the marital stress brought on by differing desire levels.
ACCEPTANCE
You see, in the past, I wanted him to want me less.
He wanted me to want him more.
I didn’t understand why he always seemed to need sex.
He didn’t understand why I always seemed to not need sex.
We wanted each other to be different.
We were miserable and fighting all the time.
But, then things began to shift.
We started to really listen to each other. We worked very hard on really beginning to hear each other’s thoughts and feelings.
We began to put our own egos aside and devote ourselves to understanding each other rather than judging each other for our sexual desire differences.
I began to understand that sex, for my husband, was his way of feeling loved and connected to me.
He began to understand that my not wanting sex wasn’t a reflection of a lack of love for him. But rather the simple fact that I am different. My needs and wants are not the same as his.
He wants it more. I want it less.
Neither is more right or more wrong. Just different.
I am not broken because I don’t desire as he does.
He is not broken because he doesn’t desire as I do.
We are both exactly as we are supposed to be. We are just different.
Acceptance allows us to approach our sex lives in a much different way.
When we can stop judging each other for the sexual desire differences in our marriage, we can begin to work together. To understand. To find balance and compromise from a place of love and respect for who we are, as we are.
In order to fully embrace the idea and practice of acceptance, there are a few things to understand first.
Number one
Acceptance doesn’t equal like. It doesn’t mean that I have to like what he wants more often than me. It doesn’t mean I have to like that we have different desire levels. It just means that I understand and accept that about him and about us without judgment.
Number two
Being accepting doesn’t mean that I don’t get to express my own needs. It doesn’t mean that I just have to give in and not get my needs met. I absolutely do.
Mark Carlson Ghost says, ‘acceptance is not the same thing as resignation, which assumes that change is no longer possible. . . Acceptance requires a heartfelt engagement with the way things are. Rather than stifling change, it enables it.”
Acceptance means that we are approaching a conversation about our needs from a place of understanding. From a place of mutual compromise because we both get each other and respect our differences.
Number three.
Acceptance is a choice. You get to choose if you are going to be accepting or not.
In order to fully embrace it, you have to choose to wake up every day and lean into acceptance. To accept your spouse as they are over and over and over again. To show compassion, empathy, understanding, and respect.
Number four
Acceptance is really hard and constant work. It’s something we have to do every single day.
The work of acceptance is incredibly difficult because it means putting our own egos aside. It means we have to push ourselves and our opinions out of the way long enough to truly listen, truly hear, and deeply understand our partners.
The more we resist acceptance, the more unhappy we are and the more conflict we will experience.
When we can let go and accept things as they are in this moment, we are then free to begin to work together to meet each other in the middle.
Teal Swan says, “Acceptance is the currency of love.”
We all want to be loved and accepted just as we are.
So, look toward the practice of acceptance of the sexual differences in your marriage and in all areas of your relationship. Once you reach acceptance and understanding, change can truly begin.
You can check out more episodes of The Married And Naked Podcast – Marriage Secrets Revealed here!
